Everybody Loves the Dentist

And other nitrous-oxide inspired musings from Frankfort's favorite dentist, Dr. Al Heath.
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During shark week, I learned all about the “Megalodon,” a gargantuan shark-bear-pig which prowled prehistoric oceans and which is probably what early sailors were referring to when they drew big red circles on their sea maps and wrote, “HERE THERE BE MONSTERS!”
Shark bodies are made mostly of cartilage, which decays quickly after death, so the only remaining evidence of the Megalodon’s reign of terror are it’s colossal mouth-daggers (5x the size of the Great White’s teeth). And, of course, as soon as I hear this, I’m thinking, “I CAN HAZ DINO-SHARK TOOTH FOR DENTIST OFFICE?” As a matter of fact, I can! For only $1,079.95 (or best offer!) So, obviously, the tooth is ALSO a Megalodon-horcrux!
But, when I asked my wife, Cindy, to help me work the eBay, she’s all, “I will not help you order a $1,000 tooth online, because that is preposterous and I have no appreciation for priceless marine dental artifacts.” And I’m like, “Did I mention it contains a fragment of prehistoric shark soul?” This doesn’t seem to persuade her, so I emphasize the incredible robustness of the root.But Cindy is still all, “NO TOOTH FO’ YOU!” Then, I remembered that patients are CONSTANTLY after me to give them an idea of what I might like for Christmas, or my birthday, or shark week, and, after practicing dentistry for 33 years, I finally have something to ask for other than duct tape and cheesy popcorn!  

During shark week, I learned all about the “Megalodon,” a gargantuan shark-bear-pig which prowled prehistoric oceans and which is probably what early sailors were referring to when they drew big red circles on their sea maps and wrote, “HERE THERE BE MONSTERS!”

Here there be shark-bear-pigs!

Shark bodies are made mostly of cartilage, which decays quickly after death, so the only remaining evidence of the Megalodon’s reign of terror are it’s colossal mouth-daggers (5x the size of the Great White’s teeth). And, of course, as soon as I hear this, I’m thinking, “I CAN HAZ DINO-SHARK TOOTH FOR DENTIST OFFICE?” 

As a matter of fact, I can! For only $1,079.95 (or best offer!) So, obviously, the tooth is ALSO a Megalodon-horcrux!

But, when I asked my wife, Cindy, to help me work the eBay, she’s all, “I will not help you order a $1,000 tooth online, because that is preposterous and I have no appreciation for priceless marine dental artifacts.” 

And I’m like, “Did I mention it contains a fragment of prehistoric shark soul?” This doesn’t seem to persuade her, so I emphasize the incredible robustness of the root.

But Cindy is still all, “NO TOOTH FO’ YOU!” 

Then, I remembered that patients are CONSTANTLY after me to give them an idea of what I might like for Christmas, or my birthday, or shark week, and, after practicing dentistry for 33 years, I finally have something to ask for other than duct tape and cheesy popcorn!  

Gift Ideas for Doctor Heath!

My daughter, Corielle, helps me write these posts and update my blog regularly. (Live-In Adult Children = 24/7 Tech Support Who Also Eat Your Leftovers Out Of The Fridge). Anyway, she writes her own blog, which is funny just like this one except only occasionally about teeth. 

She just published a great story—several weeks in the making—about this nap that my son, Tony, took while driving the two of them to my dad’s farm several years ago: http://www.she-genius.com/2013/07/17/dont-sleep-and-drive/

 

There was a finch in my feeder this morning! 
Actually, there are finches in my feeder most mornings, but I’m starting to suspect that leaping out of my chair in excited delight, then charging at the window with my camera is somehow related to my difficulty photographing them.

There was a finch in my feeder this morning! 

Actually, there are finches in my feeder most mornings, but I’m starting to suspect that leaping out of my chair in excited delight, then charging at the window with my camera is somehow related to my difficulty photographing them.

Top 3 Failure-to-Floss Excuses, Compliments of My Patients:
3) “I’ve read that all this discarded floss eventually makes its way to the ocean and strangles baby dolphins…”
2) “If I started flossing, I’d need to start brushing, too.  It’s a slippery slope, Doc. Next thing you know, I’m exercising and eating healthy. Jeez, if you had your way, I’d probably show up to my next appointment on a bicycle…wearing a helmet!”
1) “I wrapped the floss around my fingers, like you showed me, but then it got stuck and cut off circulation to my fingertips and, long story short, they had to amputate my hands. These hands are prosthetics, for which I’m sending you the bill.”

Top 3 Failure-to-Floss Excuses, Compliments of My Patients:

3) “I’ve read that all this discarded floss eventually makes its way to the ocean and strangles baby dolphins…”

2) “If I started flossing, I’d need to start brushing, too.  It’s a slippery slope, Doc. Next thing you know, I’m exercising and eating healthy. Jeez, if you had your way, I’d probably show up to my next appointment on a bicycle…wearing a helmet!”

1) “I wrapped the floss around my fingers, like you showed me, but then it got stuck and cut off circulation to my fingertips and, long story short, they had to amputate my hands. These hands are prosthetics, for which I’m sending you the bill.”

dentalcaretoday:

The story behind the video of a dog cleaning a lion’s teeth on Flickr.

Joe Schreibvogel, the zoo’s Entertainment Director, who lives on the zoo grounds, took the lion cub into his house and raised him, along with his litter of dachshund puppies. As the video shows, the two learn to get along at an early age. And it’s adorable. The two played together, ate together and, now, spend their days together.

(YAHOO SCREEN)

Running Frankfort’s annual Short Run on a Long Day, Wednesday, June 19.  

My daughter showed me how to work the iPod shuffle I’ve owned for two years (she plugged it into the computer, did some beepity-boop-type-click things in an unreadably small font, then showed me how to adjust the volume and use the Play/Pause button).

First run with the playlist was farther, faster and easier.  Thank you, magic, clip-on stereo!

I need more running songs, and I want your favorites!

I’m glad I have the internet to clarify these things for me, because, when I was in dental school, we only got to choose between general, pediatric, cosmetic, or scary dentist.

I’m always on the lookout for dentistry-related tricks to teach my dog. If anyone has access to a lion or other impressively dangerous predator, please let me know. 

Last weekend, I took my daughter and our two hardcore, rough-n-tumble cow-herding dogs out to Freeport, IL, to visit my Dad.  

Dad still lives on the farm where I grew up, though the barn has fallen into disuse and our herds of cows have been replaced by a blood-thirsty and much harder to milk herd of quasi-feral cats. 

Other than that, time seems to move slower in farm country. The atmosphere hasn’t changed in 40 years.  Everyone still waves to everyone else, the air is still riddled with allergens, and the State of Illinois hasn’t quite gotten around to paving the roads, yet. 

There’s no place like home, my friends.

My daughter, Corielle, and I woke up at 4:45 a.m. on Sunday to bike 30 WHOLE MILES for Chicago’s annual Bike the Drive. I haven’t yet regained feeling in my upper thighs, but, other than that, it was a total success!

In order to keep you folks informed of all mouth-related news the MINUTE it breaks, I subscribe to Google News alerts which notify me whenever a major news headline includes the words, “teeth,” “dentist,” or “oral health.” 

USUALLY, these emails alert me that some or another dentist — who’s had it UP TO HERE with all the “I will floss my teeth every single day!” broken promises — has finally gone off the deep end and started trafficking nitrous oxide out of his office or replacing all of her patients’ teeth with Polly Pocket figurines.

Old school Polly Pocket.

But, TODAY, I got a breaking news alert from the New York Times, entitled, “THE TRUTH ABOUT BRUSHING.And I’m like, “HOLY ORAL HYGIENE, BATMAN!” *feverish mouse clicking* “MUST SHARE TRUTH WITH THE PEOPLE OF INTERNET!”  

Much to my immense dispiritment, the whole thing was more Q&A than exposé, and the “newsworthy” question at hand was “Why don’t we use hot water to brush our teeth?”  

The New York Times got a spokesman for the American Dental Association on the phone for this one, because, as you may have heard, newspapers no longer have the budget to fund investigative journalism. If they HAD been able to send this reporter on an undercover, hot-water toothbrushing, she would have immediately realized that it’s weird, and gross, and not at all a refreshing sensation for your mouth, and THAT’S why no one does it. 

Go ahead and read what the ADA has to say about it, if you’re as broke as the print news industry and can’t afford a toothbrush or hot, running water to find out for yourself, but I can tell you right now, no one gives it to you straighter than Doc Heath..: 

(via emzroz)

Who wants to be a little boy’s hero!? Yay!

My receptionist, Lilly, has raffle tickets at the front desk to help raise money for her son’s travel baseball team, the Homer Heat. Anyone who stops by the office to pick-up a ticket ($10) between now and May 10th can also pick-up a new toothbrush and a prize from our world-famous goodie basket! 

Here’s the prizes for winning tickets: 
Grand Prize: Apple IPAD mini (16gb)
2nd prize: Chicago white sox tickets game 08/13/13 Sec 123, Row 31 (4 seats) and parking pass
3rd prize: Chicago cubs tickets Seat 105 Row 9 June 13, 1:20
4th prize: Arlington race park Executive Suite located at the finish line for 6, includes parking pass.

Thanks for your heroism! :-D

Coco LOVES visiting the office. 
Her favorite person in the whole wide world works at the dentist’s office. 
This person is, apparently, not me. 

Coco LOVES visiting the office. 

Her favorite person in the whole wide world works at the dentist’s office. 

This person is, apparently, not me.